just too bad.

Memories that seem to cluster back to me. Like a trail of blood red ants. Thoughts of sex and what not. "Am I really that bad?" I question. "Is it really so hard?"

Its never been easy living life. Its not really easier. But somehow its different. Even though i still succumb to the dark sensual desires of my heart. Somehow. I know its wrong and yet i can't help but do it. Its like i'm dragging these heavy metal chains around me. I hate them, yet, come crawling for them to be placed on me. Like a garland of the olympic games.

They hurt and tear at my skin, as the guilt overwhelms and i feel so horrible. All this while knowing that there is still hope. Hope that there will be one day i can throw them down and walk off. I try to give them up but i can't. I can't.

The sky has been so damn bloody cold recently. I think the chills have seeped in my nerves and killed them. My knees are screaming and my head is spinning from a whirlpool of so many thoughts.Crying doesn't help and the tear stains just seem to have made permernant residence on my face.

I need help. seriously.