A melody of raw emotions.

I looked upon aimless clouds of people. Listening to the secular music that blasted overhead in Suntec City Mall. And it suddenly dawned upon me that I didn't want to go home.

The warm night air greeted me with a certain hostility, the bustling crowds with no solace. Yet despite these, I still wanted very much to linger outside. For a little longer. For a while more.

What was home to me, that I didn't want to be part of it? Was it a place of comfort in times of need? Or a place, constantly plagued with problems to solve? Was I trying to hide from these? or trying to run? Or was I desperately fumbling for peace? So many questions. So little answers.

The hearty laughter of Ah bengs in the street that rang out seemed so empty to me. A couple huddled in a corner of the dim lit street. A tinge of jealousy swiped me over, and something at the back of my head took over like a cold reprimanding discipline mistress.

I drew a long breath to heave a deep sigh then stuffed the remaining kaya toast in my mouth. My dry lips met the crusty bread with anticipation. My stomach growled for more.But no more food. None. At least till I am done thinking.

I knew somehow that I shouldn't be feeling this way. Not like I could really help it. Alright. Got s enough self pity for one day. shall look froward to tommorrow if it comes and will hopefully, it be better. YC's birthday, booking of driving test. Collecting my guitar. Till then.

Perhaps I'm writing so I don't have to feel it. A voice that speaks the language of my heart. A way in which my inner being can express himself. A way to accept. To see emotion in the eyes and embrace her.

My dad isn't feeling well. He's run off to Mac's again. Its not like him at all and honestly, I'm terribly worried. I know I should reach out to him. To tell him I love and care. But I'm afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to take the weight of the emotional baggage. Afraid that I would break down if he poured out his worries.

I realise I've grown to fear as well. To fear telling others I care. To become selfishly protecting myslef. Drawing a safe distance between those i love. Building high emotional walls. Keeping myself locked in an emotional cell. Because rejection is so painful. Sometimes a part of me wants to reach out to embrace the open wounds, to wrap them up to heal them. Yet something inside screams that it will hurt. That It will hurt long and terribly.

Like searching for warmth and comfort on a cold hard marble floor, Like getting your hand scalded with boiling water.

Then i look at myself. and I see all the mess. The wreckage of emotional war. I realize that I'm still very much afraid to come home. And very much afraid to love. Because something inside me still screams in pain. Which isn't right as well. Love isn't supposed to hurt.

Or is it? I wish I knew.